Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize