Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
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