I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
FUCK WHALES
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