Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
