Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
