I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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