Your face is a jimmy john
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
