Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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