I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Help. Why am I so naked?
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