Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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