i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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