a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
