So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize
