our cab driver is having phone sex.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
