i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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