I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
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