The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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