hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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