if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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