if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
