1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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