Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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