He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
