Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
