She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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