FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Randomize