winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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