Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
