TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
