my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
