Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
