Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Randomize
