He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
