I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
