The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize