I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Randomize
