I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize
