just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
