Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
