You're my little dorito
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize