a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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