My room smells like vodka and shame
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize