chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Randomize
