the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Sorry about my life...
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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