I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Randomize
