What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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