yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
