Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
