Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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