My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Ketchup is God's man juice
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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