apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize