Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
