Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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