If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
