i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
