you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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