you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Randomize
