he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
