I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
are you so shy because you have an std?
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
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