That's intense
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
