1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Randomize
